I spent a chunk of the morning fiddling around with my blog (instead of working on my final assignments for the end of term!) in hopes to change up how I am received by my audience because I’m hoping to purchase my own domain this summer. I almost changed my domain name for this, but realized that /pradahag/ is too #iconic (and that I’m not creative enough to come up with a better domain).
So instead, I have changed my blog title to “SUPER INTERNET SENSATION IN THE FLESH!” as an ironic nod to both the fact that I will probably never be a SUPER INTERNET SENSATION (caps imperative) and that this is on the internet and therefore will never be “in the flesh” (and I probably don’t want to meet any of you in the flesh because I’m too anxious that you’ll murder me).
Along with the change of title came revisions to my “ABOUT” section, and a small logo-making moment on my favourite site, Canva, which ended up looking weird on WordPress:
But that’s not why I decided to write a post (almost 3 months after my last!).
The reason why this post is being written is because I spent a good chunk of the chunk (ha ha) reading through my older blog posts, which run back into mid-2015 when I was 19.
A lot changes in two(-ish) years. I blogged about a lot of things, ranging from love and relationships, to racial identity, to feminism, to mental health, to which I have replies to my past self regarding these topics:
On relationships and love: why are you so annoying and down about a guy that wasn’t good for you? Why are you so obsessed with extrapolating the absurd? You think you know love and yet what you don’t know is that you’re going to meet a guy on a whim that revolutionizes the way you think about intimacy, and you’re going to be much more satisfied with how safe and accepted you feel. Remember how you used to write about things that moved you? You’re going to have that again (and he’s going to read it, and you won’t feel afraid of letting him do so).
On racial identity: You think your racial identity is complex? Wait until you learn about the concept of the hyphen and have an existential crisis because of it. THEN wait until you take a course on existentialism and have a meltdown.
On feminism: Stop speaking on behalf of people, you dunce. Feminism (especially in an intersectional sense) is always going to be uncomfortable because you’re consistently learning and unlearning. You have a long way to go.
On mental health: your anxiety will get worse as you realize that you’re kind of stuck with it. There’s no point in trying to fix it because there’s nothing to be fixed. But once you learn that it shouldn’t impede you or your thoughts, you’ll be a lot more open to conversations about yourself and why you are the way you are. Bonus: once you learn that despair and misery and anxiety ARE the human condition, you won’t feel as weird trying to justify it to neurotypicals – they’re the weird ones and they definitely won’t get it (extra points if they tell you to “just stop being anxious”)!
Reading your own writing will always be cringeworthy and awful, but that’s probably because writing (especially in an academic/formal context) is super unnatural to most of us (as in writing is something we are forced to do for school, jobs, etc., but if those structures weren’t in place, we’d all probably be fine speaking). So don’t worry if you look back on something you wrote and think, “Gee, why am I paying $10,000 a year for school if I still suck at writing?” because what you should probably be focusing on is how crippling it is to have to pay luxuriously for a higher education when it’s treated as a necessity, and not how badly you suck at writing because everyone does.
Alas, I think I’ll spend more time writing this summer and working on this whole branding thing, not that I need to reify myself, but mostly because if there’s a chance that I do become a SUPER INTERNET SENSATION IN THE FLESH!, I’d want to have some monetary gain to pay off my student loans.
This means linking my blog to my Facebook and Instagram accounts (ew) to gain more traffic and whatnot, and purging my Twitter (ew x2) of all of my hilarious (!) but unprofessional (!!) tweets. But it must be done at some point, so it might as well be now (before people find out about my dom/seb fetish – shh).
It’s a long way to being able to afford to live, but hey, if I can exploit myself to entertain and distract people long enough so they don’t think about how miserable they actually are while reading my blog (without moving towards selling my body because that’s scary, props to the people who do this to make a living) THEN I’LL DO IT.
Photo credit to Joon Joseph.